The "Please Improve My Writing" Thread

PIERCE

Pierce Long stood in front of the mansion of the Wilson family, which happened to be quite a site to see. Long columns of marble shoot up from a shiny, stone platform, to form a Rotunda that presented a great wooden door, made of what must have been some of the finest oak to be harvested in the country. The place then proceeded to jut out into the distance, with a grand white paint and many large, open windows with only the finest silks hanging from them. And, if that display of material over indulgence wasn't enough, this continued for what seemed like forever, and there was even a second floor with a stone topping on it. A porch protruded from the top of the Rotunda, with chairs and a less grand yet still mighty fine door. There were fancy pieces of furniture, with a greater worth than the houses and belongings of half the town! They, like the curtains, also managed to have fine feathers in them, alongside purple fabric. Why, they didn't even look good in purple, they just wanted to brag to the rest of the town that they could put a chair outside where it was regularly damaged and replaced that had higher value of their lives, wives, children, and belongings all mixed together in a soup of life! And, from these fancy chairs that were collected from money produced by the people, the Wilson family laid down on the highest part of the town and looked upon Fusan, laughing and drinking the product of the rich grape fields and fermentation vats that they built upon the cheap labor and hopeless situation of the people of this great town! Ripping them off with binding contract, using their political power to force them to make a deal with the devil, providing only enough substance to keep them working and obedient! Forcing these good people to sign a deal with the devil so they can reap the toils of doing nothing, and being presented every year with a plethora of exotic foods that they shipped off to another place, or ate themselves. None of the wealth that these scum were producing was even going back into this town! If these damned roaches atleast gave a portion of a percentage of their profits to workers, then maybe they wouldn't even need him to swoop in and use the working population to give them what they deserve!

Long stood there, breathing heavily. This always happened. Every time he saw these rich pieces of crap tweedling their thumbs while they watch over their pawns doing backbreaking work just to give their family moldy bread and rotten potatoes every night, living in luxury and freedom, giving bonuses to the people who voted for the piece of s*** puppet of the mayor, who does nothing and believes in nothing, in a battle against the other families like this that did nothing for Fusan and only were allies to the rich traders, merchants, and bankers of the rest of the world, letting in other pieces of s*** that destroyed this city!

Fired up, Pierce then surveyed he perimeter of the land. They had very good security, paid for by the profits that the mayor took from the people with the fellow puppets of these families in the corrupt city council. You know, all of these thoughts would be quite a great speech. It would turn these fine and fair workers against the devils of this family! Walking alongside the barricades of wood, he eventually stumbled upon the gate where the workers entered. It was guarded by a man, a good man, by the name of John Morgan. He had many a times given him some bread after his speeches on town square. Sadly, he could not get more involved or risk getting fired and kicked onto the streets just like the lion's share of Pierce's supporters.

He walked up to the gate and nodded at John.

"Just tell em' I wasn't here. They'll waste some time lookin' for cracks in the wood, then make it taller 'cause they think I climbed up!"

John and Pierce laughed a little bit, and Pierce walked through the door into the field.

The field consisted of vast rows of crops, their colors and aromas making a pleasure for the eyes and nose. What must've been a hundred workers toiled, snapping off the fruits and vegetables from trees and vines and placing them in shoddy baskets, wearing shoddy rags, sweating so hard they might as well be a river that the Wilson's can go ahead and plant grape on! Now, convincing these fair folks to come to the right side was quite a hard one, because of the brainwashing they went through every day while they worked. He spotted a man he saw but a few days ago, dropping by one of his speeches and nodding before leaving quickly. He was quite young, with a pretty lady by his side that must have been pregnant. Why, Pierce could tell that he wanted a better life for his new family, but was worried about joining the movement of the truth. This was his first target, one he could easily convert.

He headed over to the man.

"Hello, son."

He put his hand on the man's shoulders, and put on a smile. The man turned to him with a worried expression.

"I aien't here to hurt you, son. I saw you 'round the town square a while ago, alongside your pretty lady. You stopped by one of my speeches. I could tell that you wanted something better. A better life. A better future for your kid."

The man turned and went back to his work.

"Sorry, sir, but I gotta work."

"Son, sir your a** down. You've been working for your entire life, so I'll do it for you. Just keep your ears and heart open, and you'll stop sweating as much."

The man shrugged and sat down in the dirt, in between rows of grapes.

"Son, I saw you looking at me speaking. I saw your pretty lady with the bump on her belly. I saw in your eyes the fact that you wish you could be better, and eat more than the cheap food your measly cash gets ya. I know that if you get a daughter, you will be screwed unless she catches the eye of an above average man. I see you sweating here, throwing stuff you have never eaten because you will be hanged if you have a snack, thinking that life could be so much better."

The man looked down.

"Now, let me tell you what everyone says. They say that your gonna lose your job and another man who can lick the Wilson's shoe more will be in your place. However, let me tell you that I have people who are in here and support me. And I need you. A lot."

The man looked up at Pierce, with a quizzical look on his face.

"How?"

"Well, son, you know it, I know it, even the man who lives in the dumpster and the lady begging on the street knows it. These families will not let a man of the people like myself get into office if its the last thing they do. But you know why I'm still alive and not killed by a bribe of a loaf of bread to a man who aien't right in the head? We have immense power, you know. We can tap into it. You see, I've been having thoughts rumbling around in my head ever since I was a boy about how we can make this city better for the working man. We will have to take it by force. And I know I'm layin' it thick on you from the start. But think to yourself. If you help me, I'll help you, son. If I get into this city's politician center, the first thing I'm doing is giving every man a good wage and a share of what he makes instead of having it all be shipped to the bankers. I will let you and your family live the good life. Not only will you always have food, but good clothes, good shelter, your life will improve by 10 times! You can have 5, 7, 8 children if your lady and yourself pleases and raise them all well to become honest workers with a good life from begging to end. You won't be thrown out onto the streets to be a burden to your daughter or son! Face it, son, your life is horrible, and if you don't do something about it and tweedle your thumbs like the politicians do every day, then you'll just be a forgettable sack of meat that never really lived."

The man looked sad. Pierce put his hand on his shoulder.

"But I know what you're sayin. I know your problems. And uncle Long's got the solution! You have potential, son. Everyone does. But these rich pieces of s*** want to block that potential and let you be a slave, a meatbag, a pawn only good for plucking grapes off of a vine! Join the Long revolution with the rest of your brothers, son, and spread the word as much as you can! Think of her, think of your child, think of what you can do if the devils living in that mansion were purged!"

Pierce managed to pluck some grapes into his basket, and managed to spot a man with a sword walking towards him.

"Son, keep your job for now. Just get a weapon and know that one day we will call and make real change here. I suggest you yell at me and call me a no good, piece of s*** liar who will never ever get his support again."

Long dropped the basket, and headed outside of the farm, listening to the good man convincing the sword man that he wasn't converted. But he knew that that man would help him, alongside the rest of the great people of Fusan, to make it a land of the free, where every man, woman, and child had a good life. With enough time, all of the Wilson workers will be on his side, where they belong as his children, and then the rule of these families will fall, and all will be right.

People have carte blanche to criticize my stuff. 'cause I do it myself all the time.

I'll start.

"Jesus Christ, Crow, when you decide you're going to test the limits of what's OK, you don't have to push it to the point of being creepy."

And I don't know who Mira is. But Corva refers to herself in the third person, and that's - at least, it's supposed to be - a bit off-putting. So it can serve a purpose. I guess I can't really take Nelson seriously...?