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Post by empireoffire on Aug 26, 2017 19:25:26 GMT -6
I am not a good person to give feedback on writing because I hate reading "good" writing, but I can tell you what I think if you want. I'll take it. Though I don't understand the "good" writing portion. He callin' us amateurs. Why I oughta-- |
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Fen
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Post by Fen on Aug 26, 2017 22:18:57 GMT -6
The piano stood adjacent to the window; though once clear artwork, the rain from the morning dribbled down its frame, each a river that joined into one. Dust rested snugly in the windowsill. Though Dawn had yet to awaken, Carver was seated. His eyes were focused on the notes in front of him, the feel of his fingers upon the keys. They danced, they pressed; it was a dance only he knew the steps to. No other could do this. It was the thought that comforted him, and the one that kept him going though his fingers ached. Practice. Practice was all he needed. It was almost complete. So enthralled was he, that he did not hear the door open, nor what slipped in. It crept with gentle feet. Carver closed his eyes. It creapt with a lingering gaze. His fingers slowed, as did the song. A drop of sweat splattered between his feet. It reached out. Carver's aching hands stopped. He tensed as he felt the hand on his shoulder. "I paid for tonight's dinner," the woman said. "it'll be cold soon." Carver opened his eyes. When had she arrived, to make nary a sound. "I lost myself. Again." "Again." she said, and retracted her hand. Carver seemed to pause, as though contemplating the meaning of the word. Had she disagreed with him, or encouraged him to continue his practice. "I'll be down in a minute, Jane." Jane did not budge. Carver chuckled. "I mean it this time." he could almost feel her stare, then the footsteps as she turned to leave. When the door closed, the pianist rested his fingers on the keys. Ten minutes. It was all he needed. Carver became lost to the world for the tenth time. What are you trying to accomplish? Nothing. I wrote that scene while listening to a powerful song last night. This is a critique thread...so I thought I'd get a critique of some things. I mean I could rewrite this? |
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Post by SpringForest on Aug 26, 2017 22:26:01 GMT -6
What are you trying to accomplish? Nothing. I wrote that scene while listening to a powerful song last night. This is a critique thread...so I thought I'd get a critique of some things. I mean I could rewrite this? I think he means what are you trying to convey through your writing? It's not going to be your best if you don't passionately provide something through it. Are you trying to get an emotion, tell a story, etc. |
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Post by HHDeception on Aug 26, 2017 22:30:33 GMT -6
I could say that I felt it lacked narrative structure, but if it's not intended to be a stand-alone narrative then that's not a fault. I could compliment how the "airy" descriptions suited the pianist character, but you might not have been trying to do anything with that.
If you were just trying to write a random scene then it's a good random scene, with plenty of style, possibly over substance. I felt that giving the characters names was pointless. I thought that the way you wrote obscured the description of the scene. That could be used to great effect, but I don't know what that effect is here.
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Fen
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Post by Fen on Aug 26, 2017 23:20:57 GMT -6
Where did it lack in structure the most?
It's meant to be more of a standalone, a sort of short story inside the bigger piece, but I can see why it would be taken that way. There's no direction or goal, save the pianist attempting to construct a masterpiece.
I'm not sure what to make of the "way you wrote," but I believe it has something to do with both the choice of words and the amount of detail added. Oversaturated perhaps? Giving them names probably wasn't needed since it's a short piece, though giving names is a personal preference.
Though if it's that bad, I need to do some more reflection; I was tempted to rewrite it, but kept it the way it was.
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Post by HHDeception on Aug 27, 2017 0:08:35 GMT -6
Where did it lack in structure the most? It's meant to be more of a standalone, a sort of short story inside the bigger piece, but I can see why it would be taken that way. There's no direction or goal, save the pianist attempting to construct a masterpiece. I'm not sure what to make of the "way you wrote," but I believe it has something to do with both the choice of words and the amount of detail added. Oversaturated perhaps? Giving them names probably wasn't needed since it's a short piece, though giving names is a personal preference. Though if it's that bad, I need to do some more reflection; I was tempted to rewrite it, but kept it the way it was. It's not bad, just confusing to me, and my taste isn't your style. I dislike writing that forces the reader to extrapolate what's going on, unless there's a reason for it. Structure comes from a lack of overall point. I would say "well that was a thing that happened" after reading it. |
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Fen
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Post by Fen on Aug 27, 2017 0:22:51 GMT -6
Where did it lack in structure the most? It's meant to be more of a standalone, a sort of short story inside the bigger piece, but I can see why it would be taken that way. There's no direction or goal, save the pianist attempting to construct a masterpiece. I'm not sure what to make of the "way you wrote," but I believe it has something to do with both the choice of words and the amount of detail added. Oversaturated perhaps? Giving them names probably wasn't needed since it's a short piece, though giving names is a personal preference. Though if it's that bad, I need to do some more reflection; I was tempted to rewrite it, but kept it the way it was. It's not bad, just confusing to me, and my taste isn't your style. I dislike writing that forces the reader to extrapolate what's going on, unless there's a reason for it. Structure comes from a lack of overall point. I would say "well that was a thing that happened" after reading it. I see. What were the parts that confused you? The setting or what was going on? |
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Post by empireoffire on Aug 30, 2017 0:19:40 GMT -6
"Of" instead of "or" is by far my most common typo, I've realized.
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Post by SummerCrow on Aug 30, 2017 0:21:46 GMT -6
Oh, I had a comment for Fencellus that I forgot too actually post.
It feels like a very traditional/classical writing style. Which I remember from back before you left also being the case.
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Fen
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Post by Fen on Sept 2, 2017 11:49:42 GMT -6
Oh, I had a comment for Fencellus that I forgot too actually post. It feels like a very traditional/classical writing style. Which I remember from back before you left also being the case. What exactly is the classical writing style? |
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Post by SpringForest on Sept 2, 2017 11:56:41 GMT -6
Oh, I had a comment for Fencellus that I forgot too actually post. It feels like a very traditional/classical writing style. Which I remember from back before you left also being the case. What exactly is the classical writing style? The kind in books. |
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Post by SummerCrow on Sept 2, 2017 12:17:31 GMT -6
A meaningless phrase, really, considering how many different classical styles there are... Your writing just comes across as very prim and proper.
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Post by SummerCrow on Sept 2, 2017 12:19:01 GMT -6
Are there any phrases that I tend to use, like... noticeably often?
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Fen
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Post by Fen on Sept 2, 2017 12:35:47 GMT -6
It's been some time since I've seen your writing, so I'd have to go back and see, though you do write in different tenses I believe? I believe past tense would be apt, though someone can correct me if I'm wrong.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2017 23:05:02 GMT -6
Opinions. Ratings. Be harsh but not too harsh.
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Post by empireoffire on Jan 20, 2018 19:36:57 GMT -6
Do I use certain words/sentence patterns/etc. a lot?
Because I'm starting to notice that almost every post of mine seems to have someone have a sentence or thought cut-off at some point ("What're you gonna do, stab m--").
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Post by HHDeception on Jan 20, 2018 19:47:52 GMT -6
I did that a lot too and made efforts to change that.
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Post by SummerCrow on Jan 20, 2018 20:35:23 GMT -6
Nothing comes to mind.
But I didn't even notice that, so I'm not the right guy to ask, probably.
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Fen
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Post by Fen on Mar 20, 2018 0:43:01 GMT -6
For those that I assume have read “Woman in the Rain” or viewed it, can you tell me what you think of the rather brief piece of fiction? Just honest opinions. Too abrupt, punctuation, etcetera. Thanks.
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