~ Oz: Mailbag of Legends - Season 1 Debut Discussion!!

Fawful
Irving
Marth

The last of the ice has finally thawed, and Anna's ready for the next guest.  It can't possibly be worse than the last one, right?  A grip hands her the envelope with the results backstage, and she tears it open.  "Really?  Really!?  Oh, whatever..."  Anna storms off to makeup as the last preparations are made.

She walks out onstage, the lights snap on, and the freshly thawed audience breaks into applause.  Anna gives a bright smile and waves.  "Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen!  Wow, that last guest was ice cold, eh?  Really gave us the cold shoulder."  The audience boos.  "Hey, I don't write this stuff.  Anyway, let's give a warm welcome to our next guest...  Marth!"

With a flash of light, an aged chestnut quarterhorse appears.  He looks around at the audience, flaps his ear, and snorts.

Anna waits for him to react.  He continues to stand and stare.  "Right, well...  We're going to ask... this... horse... some questions.  And you're going to answer them...  Right, horsey?"

Marth stares at her and snorts.

"Right.  That's... probably a yes?  It's going to take a few days to finish rigging a translation system.  So we'll be taking questions until Sunday morning.  You can just send them to Crow.  So...  Come on, horsey, let's go backstage..."  Marth continues to stare at her.  Stubbornly refusing to move.  Anna reaches into her pocket and pulls out a carrot.  Marth immediately perks up.  He begins advancing towards her and she leads him offstage.

The curtains part again. This time, it reveals Anna riding on Marth. The pair are dressed in matching bikinis. "Well... It's something..." Anna says.

"Why am I wearing this?" the computer monotone asks.

"I guess it's kind of sexy?" Anna suggests.

The audience cheers. One member cheers a bit too enthusiastically and gets some strange glances.

"Right, anyway. This is the lightning round. Just answer these questions, yes or no - or yea or neigh - as fast as possible. Ready?"

"Yes."

"You would like to ride June some day."

"Not really."

"Apples are delicious."

"Yes."

"Anna has to get off her high horse."

"Sure."

"You prefer being ridden by June to Anna."

"Yes."

"You have fair income and a stable home."

"Yes."

"You want to build a snowman."

"No, I don't miss the snow. I like it better down south."

"This is all just a bad dream."

"Doesn't matter if it is."

"Your hair is your mane attraction."

"Yes."

"It behooves you to serve June as a trustworthy companion."

"Yes."

"Birds are better than bunnies."

"Bunnies steal my carrots, but birds eat seed… Bunnies are less bad."

"You would read a doujin about June and Marth."

"That's creepy."

"Your carpet matches your drapes."

"Yes."

"You greet each day with unbridled enthusiasm."

"Only if there's oats for breakfast."

"Your choices are often spur of the moment."

"No."

"Horse puns are awful."

"Eh."

"OK! That's it for this session!" Anna reaches around and gives Marth a carrot. He begins munching on it immediately. "Just one more round and we're done."

The curtains close. When they part again, the pair have changed outfits one last time. Anna wears a brown skinsuit with a mane-like black wig, complete with a rubber horse mask. Marth is dressed in a set of black armor designed to look like June's dress, complete with a fitting wig. He doesn't particularly seem to mind.

"This is humiliating. Ah, well. Whatever brings in the ratings," Anna thinks to herself.

Anna flairs her arm dramatically. "Now for our last few questions! Let's start off with a classic: WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR DO YOU USUALLY WEAR, MARTH?"

"None. Stop yelling."

"What is your favorite food? Is it people?"

"Oats. Then apples. Then sweet grass. Then hay. Then carrots-"

"Moving on! Do you ever get the sneaking suspicion that Merric guy wants to bang your sister? ShouldapickedLindebtw"

"I don't have a sister."

"When are you gonna mate with a lovely Pegasus named Caeda? We need your descendents, Chrom and Lucina, for the distant AoD sequel!"

"I would if she'd let me."

"June accidentally kicks you in the face. How swiftly do you bring Armads down upon her neck?"

"I'm not dumb enough to touch that cursed thing, even if I had thumbs."

"WHAT IS YOUR OPINION REGARDING FOREIGN POLICY, MARTH?"

"Improved relations with Meridia should be a priority. I'd advise lowering tariffs on their primary exports. Especially apples."

"Hey, you know that asshole Hardin? One day he's gonna betray you and take over your stable! Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?"

"I know he's been plotting. I make sure to nip him every chance I can get away with it."

"Favorite and least favorite rider?"

"June's father was the best. She's a close second. Lily tugs on my mane too much."

"Caeda, or Catria?"

"I can't have both?"

"No."

"Catria. Caeda's a bit stuck up."

"HOW DOES IT FEEL"

"Fine, I guess."

"What do you do for fun? Horse around?"

"Sleep."

"Do you like being in war?"

"Not really. It's exhausting."

"Does June ever make you do something you hate doing?"

"I'm old. I hate doing anything besides napping."

"What's your favorite music genre? Mine's the polka!"

"Folk songs. Especially ballads about old heroes."

"Why don't you look me in the eyes when we make love?"

"Really pushing that bestiality thing, huh?"

"You walk into a bar. What does the bartender say?"

"'Get out,' or 'who brought this horse here' or something like that, if he's a half-decent bartender."

"What do you think happens after death?"

"Well, a lot of people seem to come back as Risen…"

"How do you feel about dirty barbaric humans somethings eating horse meat?"

"I'd like to bite them in the face."

"Alright. Time for out last question - and a special surprise guest!" Anna announces.

With a flash of light, June appears onstage. "Huh? I... What?"

Anna ignores her completely and continues to speak to Marth. "June can currently understand you. What would you like to say to her? Make it count! (And make sure it tugs on the heartstrings, OK?)"

"We already understand each other. We don't need some fancy trick."

"What's that thi- why is Marth here!?"

"Actually, I do know one thing. Hey. June. Throw out that old brush and get a new one. Stiffer. Oh, and the red apples are the best. Also, the front left strap on my chestplate's rubbing a bit lately."

"That's... That's it?" Anna asks incredulously.

"That's it," Marth says. "Were you expecting some lovey-dovey speech?"

"A little, yeah..."

"Like I said. Don't need it," Marth says.

Anna shrugs. She snaps her fingers and June disappears as suddenly as she appeared. "Well, then. Let's have our final bow!" She pats Marth on the shoulder and gives a flourish. Marth bobs his neck slightly and lets out a final snort as the curtains begin to close one final time. "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll see you all in the next one!"

He's setting up season 2.

Oh. If I'd known that was the season finale, I'd have brought my B game, not my C- game...

Emmpy. What time of day was the mailbag posted?

I'm so tired I barely remember what day of the week it is. By which I mean I don't, my phone does. I just know that if my alarm goes off early I have one class schedule and if it goes off really early I have the other one.

Speaking of which, bed.

Oh, right... I haven't even started the new map for EW... Eh, it can wait. Bed.