Post by pielover19 on Apr 27, 2018 20:29:07 GMT -6
F****** Roderick. What a piece of s*** guy Roderick was! Every single day I spent helping Roderick do his thing, and when he croaks, what do I get? I get nothing in his will. Absolutely nothing. It’s all rotting in his basement! The baseball card collection, the antiques, the safe with thousands of MY MONEY in it! All in the basement, just collecting dust and termites and s***. Must have thought he was funny, the little ass****. The lawyer laughed at it, his grandma laughed at it, DO YOU SEE ME LAUGHING!?!? Well, you can’t see me laughing since this is text and not a movie, but I don’t got the budget for a movie. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re saying. “Get to the point, stop beating around the bush, this is boring, I need my mommy to help me go to sleep tonight or I’ll stay up and be scared of the dark because I’m a whiny little piece of garbage looking…
Alright, alright, I’ll capitulate. Bet you don’t even know what that word is, huh? Capitulate. It means to give in, and lemme tell ya that I never give in. But I’ll get to the point, straight and simple. So, when Roderick died, god bless him, I went to his funeral, made a nice little speech about how much he meant to me, blah blah blah, then I get to the real juicy part. So, everyone got into the room with the lawyers and were rubbing their hands together like a bunch of bloodthirsty sharks. Well, sharks don’t have hands, but you get what I’m saying. Or do you? I bet you’re tired of me berating the reader. Think “Oh, the writer is trying to be funny and failing dramatically, so he’s reaching really high on his tippy toes with some dumb ass meta humor!”
So, the main point. The people were in there, in the lawyer’s office, and the lawyer had this really nice suit and hordes of bloodthirsty people came in. Roderick was never loved by anyone really. We just tolerated him because we were afraid he would go on a murderous rampage if we didn’t. Well, I didn’t think about it that way in the moment, but looking back his eyes had a certain quality that just screams SERIAL KILLER, you know? So, the lawyer took out Roderick’s will, which was on a wide ruled piece of paper. Now, let me tell you, if it was college ruled I wouldn’t even mention it. College ruled is the paper type of men who command respect, the type of guy that adds extra fries to everyone’s orders at the Burger Shack, you know the type of guy. But Wide Ruled? Wide ruled tells a lot about your character. Like how you’re a serial killer who’s one snapped string away from murdering the whole f****** town.
Anyway, on this thin little writing on the wide ruled piece of paper, the lawyer started calling off names. Aunt Jemima got the toaster, his mother got a snarky letter that made her cry her eyes out and lead to dig up her son’s grave and replace it with dead fly corpses (true story, actually), you know the drill. Then, this guy got to me.
“To my best friend ever, Dean Hogan. You get all of the possessions in the dungeon,”
Quick side note, Roderick called his basement the dungeon. F****** nerd psychopath.
“But only on the condition that you become the governor of the state of Maryland.”
A chuckle came from the audience. It was Roderick’s grandma, bless her heart. She has Alzheimer’s and gave Roderick his insatiable blood lust, probably, so I didn’t give much mind to her. Especially since I was already laughing a bit. Good guy Roderick, making me laugh even after he dies. Gotta say I miss the fella…
“To Schmidt, my next door neighbor, I give my shower curtains…”
Wait, he moved on? Is that even legal? I’m gonna have to sue this son of a b**** one day…
“Uh, excuse me, you forgot to say that the Maryland governor thing was a joke, man.”
“Mister Hogan, correct?”
“The one and only.”
“That wasn’t a joke. You’re going to have to become the governor of Maryland to gain access to this “Dungeon” of your friends."
Roderick, you might have thought it funny when you wrote on wide ruled paper how I’ll have to become governor of Maryland, and I REALLY hope you find it funny when you’re burning in hell for what you’ve done to everyone. Freaking nerd piece of s*** serial killer…
Alright, alright, I’ll capitulate. Bet you don’t even know what that word is, huh? Capitulate. It means to give in, and lemme tell ya that I never give in. But I’ll get to the point, straight and simple. So, when Roderick died, god bless him, I went to his funeral, made a nice little speech about how much he meant to me, blah blah blah, then I get to the real juicy part. So, everyone got into the room with the lawyers and were rubbing their hands together like a bunch of bloodthirsty sharks. Well, sharks don’t have hands, but you get what I’m saying. Or do you? I bet you’re tired of me berating the reader. Think “Oh, the writer is trying to be funny and failing dramatically, so he’s reaching really high on his tippy toes with some dumb ass meta humor!”
So, the main point. The people were in there, in the lawyer’s office, and the lawyer had this really nice suit and hordes of bloodthirsty people came in. Roderick was never loved by anyone really. We just tolerated him because we were afraid he would go on a murderous rampage if we didn’t. Well, I didn’t think about it that way in the moment, but looking back his eyes had a certain quality that just screams SERIAL KILLER, you know? So, the lawyer took out Roderick’s will, which was on a wide ruled piece of paper. Now, let me tell you, if it was college ruled I wouldn’t even mention it. College ruled is the paper type of men who command respect, the type of guy that adds extra fries to everyone’s orders at the Burger Shack, you know the type of guy. But Wide Ruled? Wide ruled tells a lot about your character. Like how you’re a serial killer who’s one snapped string away from murdering the whole f****** town.
Anyway, on this thin little writing on the wide ruled piece of paper, the lawyer started calling off names. Aunt Jemima got the toaster, his mother got a snarky letter that made her cry her eyes out and lead to dig up her son’s grave and replace it with dead fly corpses (true story, actually), you know the drill. Then, this guy got to me.
“To my best friend ever, Dean Hogan. You get all of the possessions in the dungeon,”
Quick side note, Roderick called his basement the dungeon. F****** nerd psychopath.
“But only on the condition that you become the governor of the state of Maryland.”
A chuckle came from the audience. It was Roderick’s grandma, bless her heart. She has Alzheimer’s and gave Roderick his insatiable blood lust, probably, so I didn’t give much mind to her. Especially since I was already laughing a bit. Good guy Roderick, making me laugh even after he dies. Gotta say I miss the fella…
“To Schmidt, my next door neighbor, I give my shower curtains…”
Wait, he moved on? Is that even legal? I’m gonna have to sue this son of a b**** one day…
“Uh, excuse me, you forgot to say that the Maryland governor thing was a joke, man.”
“Mister Hogan, correct?”
“The one and only.”
“That wasn’t a joke. You’re going to have to become the governor of Maryland to gain access to this “Dungeon” of your friends."
Roderick, you might have thought it funny when you wrote on wide ruled paper how I’ll have to become governor of Maryland, and I REALLY hope you find it funny when you’re burning in hell for what you’ve done to everyone. Freaking nerd piece of s*** serial killer…