The curtains part to reveal a pair of large, clear-walled tanks filled with a viscous brown substance. Anna sits on a wooden bench stretched between them wearing a scarlet bikini. Alice and Geraldine sit suspended over either tank, seated on small platforms extended out to the centers. They wear contrasting bikinis - Alice's pure-white with black frills and a white skirt, Geraldine's black with white frills and black skirt.
Alice sits nervously, glancing down into the tank, hands tightly gripping the edges of her seat. She rubs her feet together nervously, even as she gives the audience a small wave. Geraldine sits calmly, legs crossed at the ankle, hands neatly folded across the her knees. Her skin's pallor is highlighted by Alice's healthy glow.
"Welcome back, everyone! Hope you made it to the concession stand during intermission, because this is going to have you - and our contestants! - on the edge of the seat. Before we begin, Geraldine... I have to say I wasn't sure you'd be able to pull off the bikini look. But your body's surprisingly... well-toned, considering your age."
The air grows a bit chillier. "Thank you. I do try to take care of myself."
Anna shudders. "Right, well... As you can see, our lovely ladies are precariously perched over some free samples of our state-of-the-art beauty mud! Now available for purchase by the vat, and now available in a variety of relaxing scents!"
"So that's what smells like lavender," Geraldine says. "Lovely."
"Mine smells like oranges..." Alice mutters. She sniffs a few times. "Actually, I... do feel a bit more relaxed..."
"Well, if you like the smell - good news! You'll have a chance to get a closer look a bit later! During the last phase of our little show, we'll be asking you
both the same questions! Our totally-unbiased-and-completely-fair-(wink) judges will score your responses to decide which of you wins."
"On what criteria are we being judged?" Geraldine asks.
Anna ignores the question. She pulls out a remote with two buttons and waves it to the audience. "You can probably tell those platforms you're sitting on are collapsible - and the controls are right here! Should we check if they work before we get started?"
"That's not necessary..." Alice says.
Anna shrugs. "Your loss. And speaking of loss, I don't think I need to spell out what happens to the loser? Finally, Alice has her chance to get a little dirty payback against her boss! Or will she end up going down instead? Before we begin, do our lovely contestants have any questions?"
"Can I push the button when I win?" Geraldine asks with a pleasant smile.
"We'll see," Anna lies.
"Why do I feel like this is horribly rigged against me...?" Alice asks nervously.
Anna smiles innocently. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Now, let's begin...!"
What's a typical day in your life like?"I work 24 hours a day, around the clock. Observing and directing maids and butlers, assigning schedules, checking and ordering supplies, fixing screw-ups-" she eyes Alice meaningfully "-meeting with nobles to hear complaints about those screw-ups, preparing drills, reports and staff reviews... I stay busy."
"I wake up, get straight into my uniform, and get started cleaning. Occasionally I get sent on an errand or help with organizing. I get off just in time for dinner, shower, and spend some time with the other staff before bed. I get a day off weekly, and twice a week we have early-morning combat drills. Even the servants are expected to be prepared for an emergency."
What is your favorite thing to do on rainy days?Alice grins. "If I have the day off and I'm in the mood, I'll draw a hot bath, light some candles, turn out the lights... Close my eyes and enjoy a nice, long soak while listening to the patter."
"I do so love rainy days. But I would never shirk my duties to enjoy it." Geraldine answers. A mischievous grin spreads over her face. "That said, if it's a particularly strong, late-night storm, I may take advantage of it to scrub the roof and clean gutters. And of course it would be unpresentable to get my uniform wet, so..."
Alice chokes back a laugh at the thought. Geraldine looks at her questioningly. "Y-you're not serious?" Alice asks.
"If you don't believe me, you're welcome to join in next time."
What's your ideal date?Geraldine folds her arms and looks off thoughtfully. "Well, it starts with them groveling at my feet and ends with them chained up in my bedroom. And, yes, every so often we get a staff member who's the right combination of bold, curious, and stupid enough to ask. If it's one of my rare days off, I try not to disappoint."
Alice frowns. "I'd rather do something a bit more... not that. Go out on a long hike, I think. Set up a picnic by a lake. Cuddle under the stars..." She sighs dreamily.
"Have someone in mind?" Anna asks teasingly. Alice smiles an affirming smile.
How do you think Glinda is doing compared to Garland?"No better, no worse," Geraldine says. "Just as dull."
"She... she had a rough start. Understandably. But she's a really great person, and she really cares about her queendom." Alice nods emphatically.
What are your opinions regarding both Queen Glinda, and Princess Lana?"I respect the queen a great deal," Alice says. "Um... Lana's really nice. And enthusiastic. And... I think she might be kind of like me. Adventurous and a bit... um... airheaded?"
"I pity the queen," Geraldine says. "Poor woman, getting dragged into all this. Lana, on the other hand... If I had one wish, it would be for just one day to do with her as I please. Though perhaps I would be kind enough to wait until Queen Glinda had already passed."
What's your opinion regarding necromancers?"Vile!" Alice spits.
Geraldine shrugs. "Cowardly? Always hiding behind their little pets."
What would you do if you found out someone close to you is a closet Necromancer?"I'd neutalize them if they were a threat to my mistress. Otherwise, I wouldn't particularly care." Geraldine looks at Alice with interest. "Alice?"
"I'd... Well, I'd probably report them to
you, ma'am."
"Oh? And I'd ask you what you want me to do."
"Whatever you want!" Alice says. "Make good on some of your threats for once."
Geraldine smiles. "And if it were, say, Franklin? Would you really be able to hand him over to me like that?"
Alice's eyes snap wide-open. "F-Franklin's a sweet and decent man! He'd never..."
"If he's so sweet and decent, would it matter that he's a necromancer?" Geraldine smiles innocently. Alice falls silent.
How many dead bodies are hidden in the basement?Alice cocks her head. "I know there's... rumors about the history of the Garlands, but I don't think-"
"There are 52 corpses in unmarked graves around the castle grounds, 27 that were ground up and used in bricks and mortar, 19 unofficially interred in the catacombs, 11 that were fed to komodos, 6 sealed behind false walls, 1 that was baked and served in a cake, and... 1 more that I can't speak of." Geraldine grins at Alice. Alice stares in slack-jawed horror.
What's the strangest order you've ever had to carry out for your job?"I believe I just mentioned a cake...?" Geraldine says. "The guests thought it was quite delicious, by the way."
Alice looks physically ill. Anna clears her throat to get her attention. "Wh- oh. Um... Oh... S-sorry. Um. Right. Once, I knocked over a lamp. Geraldine made me stand in its place holding a flashlight until it was repaired."
If you could turn into a cat, wolf, bird, bunny, fox, or dragon, which would you pick?"Dragon or cat," Geraldine says. "Either would be acceptable."
"They'd all be good, but... I think I've had enough being a cat for one lifetime," Alice says, glad to finally have an easier question. "Mmm... bird."
What is your opinion on dogs?"They don't like me much," Geraldine says. "But they're fine as long as they keep their distance."
"I love them! Especially big dogs. So cute and sweet."
Cats or Dogs?"Cats," Geraldine says.
"Dogs," Alice says.
Wolves, cats, birds, kitsune, dragons, or witches?"Cats," Geraldine says.
"Birds," Alice says.
Bulbasaur, Squirtle, or Charmander?Anna fans out a trio of trading cards to show the contestants. Alice gasps. "Squirtle's so adorable! I want a Squirtle."
"In that case, I choose Bulbasaur. I could find a use for those abilities. Razor leaf, vine whip..."
Fire, wind, or electric tomes?"Wind could probably help with cleaning..." Alice says. "Wind."
"Fire," Geraldine says, glaring daggers at Alice. "For any maid
stupid enough to try to clean with a wind tome.
Are you two related? Like sisters? Aunt and niece? Grand daughter and Grand mom?"Not in the slightest," Alice answers. "I come from a relatively small village off to the south. I'd think I'd have heard..."
"I don't have any relatives," Geraldine confirms.
What's your favorite food?"Sweet potato casserole!" Alice says cheerfully. She hugs herself at the thought. "Mmm, smothered in whipped cream and stuffed with melted marshmallows...! Oh, so good...!"
"Klutzy young maids...!" Geraldine says hungrily, staring at Alice. Alice shrieks and shifts back in her seat, barely keeping her balance. Geraldine laughs uproariously. "Haha... Oh, Alice, I'm teasing. I love a good rare steak with an aged red wine."
What is your preferred swimming attire?"I usually wear a blue, backless one-piece," Alice says. "With some cute frills on the waist, some pretty ribbons on the shoulders... And a
very deep V down the center."
"I've not been swimming in... it must have been decades," Geraldine laughs. "Like I said, when I get wet, I usually just do it in my underwear."
One of you spontaneously combusts. What do you do?"Laugh," Geraldine says.
Alice looks at her in horror. "I... I'd try to put her out! And I hope she'd do the same for me."
What do you think is your most likely cause of death?Alice shudders. "Old age, I hope... But if war breaks out, or if the witch or one of those nasty abominations..." she trails off.
"Boredom," Geraldine says flatly. "Or starvation."
How much wood would a Chuck woodchuck if Chuck could woodchuck wood?"What?" Alice asks, confused. "What's with all these questions like this...?"
"Seven," Geraldine shrugs.
You have to kill a dragon by yourself. How do you go about doing it?"Attack under the cover of night," Geraldine begins. "Get in close and go for the eyes, or try to mount it and start hacking at the back of its neck."
"I... I wouldn't stand a chance..." Alice says. "Can I... um... use one of the mortars...?"
Which is mightier? The pen or the sword?"The pen!" Alice says.
"Hard to write if someone cuts off your hands," Geraldine points out.
Best traditional dance passed down for generations that you know?"An old rain dance," Geraldine answers. "But it would require a virgin sacrifice, so I doubt you'd like to see it here."
"Ha... Haha..." Alice laughs nervously. "Um... My village has an old traditional square dance to celebrate the harvest."
Which Anna would you choose to sleep with and why?Geraldine uncrosses her legs and leans towards Anna. She licks her lips. "Is that an offer?"
"I don't think you could handle me," Anna throws back. "I'm not as submissive as most you're used to."
"A challenge, then? Hm..." she chuckles evilly. "You'd last an hour, tops."
"Um..." Alice cuts in. "I don't... know many Annas? Does that Outlander count? She's the only one I know besides you."
Alice if the roles were reversed and by some act of Roshi Alice what would you do to Geraldine? (Remember this is non-canon so answer freely.)"Oh, I can't wait to hear
this," Geraldine smirks.
"I don't... I wouldn't do anything different than she does, I don't think. I probably wouldn't use as many threats of... torture as she does, but I understand she's just trying to keep us in line, right?"
"Oh, sweet, innocent Alice. At least give the audience your best impression of one of my threats... ma'am."
"OK... Um... If you don't... do the thing correctly, I'm going to... poke hot needles into your butt!" Alice punctuates her words with an angry shake of her fist. Geraldine covers her mouth, shaking as she tries not to laugh. "Stop laughing and get back to work, or I'll chain you up and give you something to laugh about!"
"Oh, yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am..." Geraldine snorts.
Would you smooch a maid?Alice scratches her head. "I mean, I'm not some shy, innocent maiden, but I wouldn't just up an- mmph!? Mmmph...! Mmm..."
Geraldine reappears in her seat as suddenly as she'd teleported into Alice's lap. She wipes her lips politely, the very image of poorly-feigned innocence. Anna and Alice both stare at her incredulously as the audience erupts into a cheer.
There is currently an artist working on an erotic doujin featuring you. Do you have any words you would like to say to this artist?"A doujin's an amatuer short-story or comic, by the way," Anna explains.
"E... E... Erotic? Featuring us!? Y... You don't... Y-you don't mean... between us, do you!?" Alice stammers. "That's... That's... Mmmmph...!"
"She didn't say 'between us,' but it's interesting you assumed that, my beautiful Alice."
"Hrk..."
"Well, since you'd be fine with Lana, perhaps you and-"
"D-don't even say it! You leave Franklin out of this!"
"My, I didn't realize you were so passionate, demanding my full attention like that. Well, don't you worry, my dear - I know you're a fragile flower, so I won't treat you too roughly. I could show you being chained up isn't necessarily a punishment~"
"No-o-o-o..." Alice moans.
"Oh? Well, you mentioned wanting to cover me in honey-"
Alice hides her face again. "Ididn'tmeanthat, youweren'tsupposedtohearthat, agh...!"
"Now, now, Alice. So long as my lovers-"
"GAH, no!"
"-know their place, I'm not unreasonable. If you'd rather get on your knees and beg, maybe I'd dab a few drops on my feet and-"
"NO!" Alice clutches her head, violently kicking her feet as she desperately tries to shake the thoughts from her head. "Nonono, I'mnothearingthis. I'm NOT hearing this... I could never. I would never!" Alice mutters to herself. She freezes, then turns to Anna with a violent rage. "Gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him! Who's the one working on this doujin thing!? Where's my knife!? I swear, I am going to peel the skin from his-"
"Whoa, Alice, calm down," Anna tells her. "Deep breath. That was hypothetical. (As far as I know.)"
After a few seconds, Anna raises her hand to call for the audience's silence. She brandishes her remote dramatically. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, our judges have started tallying scores to decide the winner! So, which of our lovely contestants is about to take a dip? We'll give you each one last chance to appeal to the judges! Alice?"
"Um... Remember who's your beautiful goddess of love!" She gives the audience a winning smile with a wave.
"Cute. Geraldine?"
"My mistress isn't here to protect you."
"Oh, going for the intimidation route? Well. The scores are in, and the winner is... everyone!" Anna punches both buttons, and both platforms drop out at once.
Geraldine sighs and Alice lets out a shriek, both cut off by a loud squelch as they drop into the muck. Alice surfaces almost immediately, wiping her face, mouth agape with shock. Geraldine pops up a few seconds later, laughing. Geraldine pulls herself up on the edge of the tank, swinging onto the bench to sit next to Anna, still laughing. "Haha... Oh, this has been fun. Get up here, Alice!"
Anna giggles and offers Alice a hand. Alice reaches up to accept it, and Geraldine gives her a small nod behind Anna's back. Alice grins and latches onto Anna's arm, tugging as Geraldine gives her a shove from behind. "Wh-" Anna has time to ask before falling head-first into the tank. Anna emerges a few seconds later, staring at Alice with indignation for several uncomfortable seconds before breaking into a grin. She wraps an arm around Alice's shoulder, raises the other to Geraldine invitingly. Geraldine hops down and joins in the embrace, with Anna pressed between the pair. "So, any parting words for our audience?"
"This was... kind of fun, actually..." Alice admits. "But
never again."
"Feel free to look me up if you ever have any openings on your staff," Geraldine says.
"I'll keep that in mind," Anna promises. "And with that, ladies and gentlemen, the third Oz mailbag draws to a close! Now, we're all going to go get cleaned up, but I'll see you all again soon!"
